25 May I’m not OK, but I’m trying to be….
Guys let’s face it! Life is hard. The past few weeks have been difficult for me. I am being tested, professionally and personally and I just can’t seem to catch a break. It’s safe to say I’ve lost my spark and I’m trying to get it back.
I’m off my game, I’m struggling to cope with the workload, the stress and the negative feedback. So, my doctor has prescribed Zanor to help take the edge off. I don’t feel like I’m about to have an anxiety attack and land up in a puddle of tears every day – the medicine helps with my anxiety, but it means I get tired. By the time 5pm comes I feel like I’ve run a marathon and need to rest and recover. Which means I’m struggling to work longer hours, which is making me fall more behind in my work, which is giving me more anxiety. It’s a vicious cycle.
Personally, I found out some news about my mom’s health which is stressing me out. I just want her to get better and be healthy. My boyfriends’ supportive but I don’t make him a priority right now, truth be told, I haven’t for a while. He’s been my rock throughout all this, cooking dinner every night, running baths, planning date nights and all I do is cry and complain that I’m not coping. Even when we went on holiday to Cape Town recently, I worked, and we fought about it. I’m a terrible girlfriend right now and I don’t want to be.
It’s a Sher thing is also becoming a source of contention as some people don’t feel I should be talking about beauty brands on my platform when I talk about drug store, personal care products for a living. So, every day is a discussion around asking me to remove a post or a picture which is stressful and distracting. I don’t want to be censored, I want to have the freedom to write about any brand or product that I want to. I’m trying to find solves but I keep hitting a brick wall. At the same time, I love my blog and I don’t know how to back down from something I feel so strongly about.
I just want to be in my own little world, in a safe place of series, Nutella and bubble baths. The thought of leaving home in the mornings has never felt so daunting before. So I psyche myself up, pump a bit of Drake and Carli B and get myself to work. Then my goal is to just get through the next hour, then the next hour and then the next hour, until I can leave and come back to my safe space.
If you suffer from anxiety, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. If you don’t suffer from anxiety, then you’ll never understand what I’m talking about. You’ll read this post, empathise with the feeling of being down and then you’ll move on. Because you can. I know this is true because I’ve never suffered from anxiety before, until I did last year.
My coping mechanism for dealing with stress before has always been- gym, Nutella, sleep and time alone. I’ve never been miss congeniality, I’ve never had a million friends, I was always different from the other kids. I enjoy spending time alone or with someone one-on-one. I don’t particularly enjoy large groups, loud music, things people my age would typically consider to be fun. Being alone and figuring things out on my own, has always been my coping mechanism. No one will ever have my back, the way I will.
One of my favourite quotes is, within the depth of winter, I found there was within me, an invincible summer!
I don’t know what triggered this feeling of self-doubt, but what I can tell you is that I’m hurting. I’m not OK, but I’m trying to be. I am doing everything I can to take control of my life again. Part of my process is staying at home as much as I can, where I feel safe. This process is great for now, but I know I can’t do this forever. Also, I’m too funny, to much fun and too cute to be locked up in my PJ’s all day feeling sorry for myself and crying myself to sleep.
As of today, I’m reclaiming my power back. I’m making time to go to the gym, go on date nights, have spa days. I’m doing what I need to do, to be me again. I’m cutting out sugar and processed carbs (it’s a process and it’s difficult) and I’m trying to get more sleep every night. It’s time to find that strength from within. Things were not always this bad and things are not always going to be this bad. Right now, I just need to weather the storm. I’m going to learn and grow so much from this, I’m almost excited for it. Be kind to others, you never know what battles they’re fighting.
Watch this space guys…. I’ll be back, all sparkly and bright in no time.
Do you suffer from anxiety or have you ever felt this way? Let me know what your tips are.